Unchanging

Where are you at today? Is life good? Are things going well? Maybe you just got a raise, a promotion, a new relationship. Or maybe it's nothing specific, just a general sense of well-being. Perhaps things are just falling into place before your eyes.

Or maybe life sucks right now. Maybe you just can't catch a break. Maybe, no matter where you turn, you find rejection and chaos. Maybe everything just hurts.

Or maybe, just maybe, you're a little bit of both, swinging back and forth on a pendulum of emotion.

No matter what's going on today, no matter what happened yesterday, no matter what happens tomorrow, you are loved. LOVED! Deeply. Eternally. Passionately. Completely. Without contracts, terms, or conditions. Without boundaries.

I don't think that you and I have the capacity to fully grasp this concept. Unconditional love. It's unrelenting. It doesn't back down. It's beautiful. It's utterly terrifying. See, that's simply not how we conceptualize the world. Every other relationship is, at very least, tinged with a hint of "I scratch your back, you scratch mine." This thought process, coupled with the innate idea that the world revolves around us, makes us prone to this idea of "Yes, God loves me, but ____." Ladies and gentlemen, there is no "but"! I can't even wrap my mind around that. When we're talking about the love of God, the exception simply doesn't exist.

But I did ____. I still love you.

But I didn't ____. I still love you.
But I'm still doing ____. I still love you.

But I'm a slave to ____. I still love you.

But I'm not who they think I am. I still love you.

But I don't desire You. I still love you.

But You're not my first love. I still love you.

But I just don't have time. I still love you.

But I can do it on my own. I still love you.

But I'm not content. I still love you.

But I don't know if I can trust You. I still love you.

But I don't have the strength. I still love you.

But everything hurts. I still love you.

But I'm not good enough. I still love you.

But I'm broken. I still love you.
But I'm afraid. I still love you.

But what if I fall apart? I still love you.

But what if I don't live up? I still love you.

But what if I fail? I still love you.

But what if I never get it right? I still love you.

That's the kind of love that can destroy a person. Draw closer to your Lover. You'll never be the same. It'll wreck your life if you let it. It'll be painful. It'll be heartbreaking. But, my friend, it'll be beautiful. It'll set you free.

Free from the rules you've been following. Free from the desperation that laces your heart late at night. Free from the fears that haunt you when you're alone.  Free from trying to fit in, trying to live up, and trying to find yourself.

In fact, you and I have already been set free! We're free because His love for us is constant. Rather than being based on us and our actions, motives, thoughts, or desires, it's based on the Savior who died for you. And our Savior never changes. He'll never fail. He just won't relent. He never leaves. He will never abandon you.

The sun may not always shine. But Christ's love for us is always the same. He is faithful, constant, and true in every circumstance, regardless of ourselves. His love never fails.

My hope is that, at the end of my life, I'll be just a few steps closer to grasping this love that never gives up.

How can I keep from singing your praise? How can I ever say enough? How amazing is your love!

Life To The Fullest

Time. It's of the essence.

Life is short. Friends, family, and the little napkins at Caribou are all encouraging us to take advantage of our time and use it wisely. Life to the fullest, Jesus calls it.

Lately, I've been thinking more about this concept of time. It goes so fast. Everyone gets the same 24-hour period. Then how do some people do so much and others do so little? Why do the days, weeks, and months fly by so quickly? It's so easy to waste time. On the other hand, it can be tempting to place too much emphasis on being productive, to prioritize things that need to be done over people who need to be loved.

So I've been thinking. I need to live more fully. Not just do more things, but be more present, more engaged, more captivated. I want to pursue every passion, every interest, every creative spark that my Creator put in me. Here's what I've come up with so far:

• photography - yes, I know it's the trendy thing to be into. Buuuuuut, I liked it before it was cool, so I get half-credit at least. The thing is, my photographic abilities seem to come in spurts that are few and far between. I'm registered for a photography class this summer, and I'm hoping that will cultivate my skills (or lack thereof).
• theatre - I live in an artsy city with lots of free (!!!) opportunities. I feel like I need to take advantage of them.
• music - Errrr...I tend to get into musical ruts where I find an artist I like or make a great playlist, only to listen to it exclusively for a couple months then move on. I want to expand my musical horizons beyond what I know or am familiar with. Any classy suggestions?
• crocheting - I used to know how to crochet, and I loved  it! But then I forgot how to turn corners, so I would just make long ropes out of yarn and pull them apart when I got bored. I tried to take up knitting last summer, but dude, that's hard! I think I'll try to get a little better at what I used to be good at before I try to knit again. Pictures to come! :)
• weird foods - Ethiopian is next on the list to try. I hear it's spicy.
• crafty things - It's a broad category, I know. But here's the thing: my problem has never been creativity. I can come up with mental pictures and ideas like nobody's business. It's just that I can't seem to make the things that I dream up. To quote Mia Thermopolis, "The concept is grasped. The execution is a little elusive." I'm going to try to remedy that problem.
• books - I love reading. I really do. But when I came to school, I thought "I'll just read during breaks. I have enough reading to do for class." However, having a roommate who loves reading even more than I do has challenged the way that I think about that. She picks up a book whenever she has a few minutes to spare, which has been really inspiring for me! (She even reads me bedtime stories occassionally. It's amazing.) Again, I've let myself become lazy, and that needs to change. I'm going to challenge myself to read, even if it has to be limited, during the school year. I started with "Disciplines of a Godly Woman," which has been great so far. Ironicly, it has a long list of recommended books at the end, so I should be busy for a while! After that, any suggestions?
• running - Once upon a time, a long long time ago, I ran everyday. It was wonderful, but I got lazy. This spring, my goal is to run again. It's beautiful outside, and I want to enjoy it.

So that's my current live-more-fully list. If you see me running this spring with a camera and a crochet needle, you'll know why. What's on your list?

I May Be Weak

Give me faith to trust what you say

That you're good and your love is great

I'm broken inside

I give you my life

I may be weak, but your spirit's strong in me.

My flesh may fail, but my God you never will.

I promise that I won't make every other post about a song, but I just couldn't resist this one. It's written and performed by the worship people at Elevation Church, and you can find the youtube video here. I'm a fan.

Recently, God's been using these lyrics to speak to my heart. In a word, I've felt weak lately. Emotionally, spiritually, even physically weak. For a recovering people-pleaser/control freak like myself, this is very unsettling notion. I'd like to be able to do it all. By nature, I want my actions to be the results of my choosing. I spent years trying to convince the world (and myself) that I was invincible. Only in recent years has God begun to save me from that way of thinking. It's a work in progress, and that's why weakness, even the beauty associated with it, is so terrifying to me.

I may be weak.
But that's not what my savior says about weakness. He says that my state (whether emotional, spiritual, or physical) doesn't really matter. Yes, Jesus loves me. Deeply, in fact. Yes, he loves every detail of your life and mine. But no, my current condition does nothing to change the reality of himself. See, I'm not really that important. I don't say that in a self-depricating way; I just mean that my weakness has no effect on his strength. And oh man, is he strong!

But your spirit's strong in me.
Back in the days of Sunday School and VBS, I was always a little bit confused when I would hear my teacher talk about God's strength in us. First, why would that be necessary? I'm invincible, remember? And what in the world does that look like in real life? I was old enough to know not to picture giant people running around smashing cars and picking up buildings because they were "filled with God's strength" (although that is tempting, isn't it?). But I could never figure out what that meant in terms beyond the theoretical.

I still don't have it all figured out, but (thankfully) God has drawn me much closer to himself since those days. As he's taught me to surrender, he's also been faithful to reveal more and more of his strength to me. You see, it's not that I'm running around with superpowers. But when life is hard, when I'm stretched until I think there's just none of me left, when I'm hurt and broken, those are the times when he's is most present. It's during the weeks that are/should be terrible when I see him changing me most vividly. I'm pretty sure it's not that he's actually closer during those times. I think it's just that I have to get past myself in order to see more of him. And complete brokenness usually does the trick.

My flesh may fail.
So yes, I've felt especially weak this week. (I can't help but giggle as I reread that...) It turns out I can't fix the world's problems. I can barely keep my own life under control, much less faithfully encourage and minister to the people God has put in my life. I experience brokenness and I hurt, but rather than allowing my Jesus to heal me, I just turn around and hurt others. I become distant and withdrawn, crabby and selfish. There have been countless times when I feel like a failure in every way, like I'm just not doing the grace of God justice.

But my God you never will.
But then I'm reminded, that's what grace is. That's the point. I can't get it right, so Jesus got it right for me. Now all that's left to do is surrender. And that, my friends, is why weakness is so beautiful.